There’s been a mess of chatter about immigration lately, especially among an assortment of Republican debaters. It seems like every newscast shows our favorite wild-hair windbag speaking about closing our borders and building a beautiful wall along the Rio Grande. I’m sorry, but I just can’t stomach his babble for more than a New York minute and have to change channels. On a recent rainy Saturday, I switched channels as soon as the Donald opened his blowhole, and I checked out the Formula 1 race out at Circuit of the Americas. Although it was also loud with foul emissions, at least it was entertaining.
I understand there were thousands of European tourists in Austin attending the big race, but I don’t recall any objections to allowing these Euro-packing foreigners crossing our borders. I guess if they come with a legal passport, spend a ton of money and then go straight back home, it’s okay to have foreign guests. If the pompous Prince of Pompadour miraculously gets elected president, I wonder if he will allow these European race fans to return in the future.
I’m getting a little off track here, but have you wondered why there aren’t a lot of Europeans wanting to move here to Texas? A hundred years ago, there was a European immigration to Texas. There are several German and Czech communities in central Texas, but I don’t know if more folks from their native countries are still settling there. I also wonder if there are any French communities here in Texas. I know there’s the town of Paris in the Lone Star State, and I believe I drove through the town once or twice. I don’t recall seeing any beret-topped fella sitting at a table at a sidewalk café, sipping red wine and munching on chicken-fried snails.
Hey, I might be wrong; there might be a mess of French folks living here in Texas. I just haven’t met one yet. I have never traveled to France or any other European country for that matter, although I have visited EPCOT twice and gambled at the Paris Casino in Vegas once. After doing a little research, followed by hours of pondering and sipping Longnecks, I think I have concocted my Top 10 List on why French folks don’t want to live in Texas.
1. There are no bidets in the restrooms at Buc-ees.
2. Escargot isn’t on the menu at Whataburger.
3. Texans frown upon women with legs that are hairier than laboratory chimps at a Rogaine research center.
4. Texans buy wine that comes in a box but only on special occasions.
5. Frenchmen can’t figure out how to use their belt buckles to open a bottle of beer without dang-near castrating themselves.
6. French people can’t speak a lick of Texan, and thar ain’t no dadgum app on their phone for translatin’ our crisp vernacular.
7. It’s a tad hotter in Austin, Texas, than up in the French Alps.
8. Describing what calf fries are to a Frenchman and then telling him you have a hankerin’ for a cold beer and French fries tend to make the poor fella hightail it back home.
9. The French just don’t understand American football.
10. Who wants to live in a country that allows raving lunatics to run for president?
Now, I do hope I haven’t insulted any French fella. I don’t know if the French have a healthy sense of humor, but I seriously doubt ol’ Pierre is sitting out on the French Riviera in his Speedo, sippin’ red wine and reading this here newspaper. But if some Parisian does want to come to Texas for a visit, he should come in late July so he can thoroughly enjoy our lovely summer weather. I’ll even offer my services as a tour guide and take him to a fine café for an ice-cold Lone Star and a platter of Rocky Mountain oysters. Bon appetit, y’all.
Clint Younts could give quite a tour to any tourista – as long as it includes whatever deer and possum and foxes and cows and wild hogs … from the Crow’s Nest.
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