With the holiday season creeping up on us faster than a 10-year old pair of drawers, I suspect some of y’all might be travelling to some faraway land by hopping aboard an airplane. Most of y’all have flown before and know what to expect when going through airport security and how to behave on the plane, but there might be a few of y’all who haven’t flown in a while or perhaps this will be your first flight ever. Allow me to give a few tidbits of advice on air travel etiquette to make your journey less stressful.
Before you even go to the airport, know what you can and cannot have in your carry-on luggage. There is an official list on the TSA website, but who wants to take time from scrolling through Facebook to check out this list, so here are a few items that are banned. Although it is Thanksgiving, you can’t carry cranberry sauce or gravy in your bag. There’s no mention of totin’ a 15-lb turkey on board, but it must fit under your seat or overhead compartment.
When passing through security, it’d be best to wear slip-on shoes so you don’t cause a traffic jam by unlacing your Nike high-tops. I used to wear cowboy boots when I fly, but most TSA agents refuse to help pull them off my swollen feet. Maybe if I had scraped the cow manure off first, those guys might’ve obliged.
You are also asked to remove your belt. This has caused me some embarrassment in the past, especially when I was wearing 10-year-old drawers. So now I wear those maternity pants with lots of elastic. No need to wear a belt, plus for those folks who are afraid of using the toilet on a plane, these pants fit well over a pair of adult diapers.
I am a little curious if all that surgically implanted hardware in my back will set off alarms as I pass through the metal detectors. I guess I could just pull up my shirt and show the agents my scars, but that would be tacky. So, instead, I plan to wear a fishnet tank-top. That reminds me; I need to have my back waxed before our trip.
Be sure your carry-on luggage is the proper size. For the record, a makeshift suitcase from a box of Huggies will squeeze into overhead compartments, but even with an ample supply of duct tape, these boxes seem to pop open as you try cramming it in the compartment, spilling your Jockey shorts on the poor sap sitting in the aisle seat below.
When boarding the plane, be careful not to bonk seated passengers in the head as you walk down the aisle. And, an extra bit of advice, while marching towards the rear of the plane, now is the best time to relieve gas from eating overpriced airport food. As long as you keep moving, no one can pinpoint the culprit.
When choosing your seat, you should be warned that if you take the aisle seat and the window seat is unoccupied, the fattest dude on the plane will choose that seat, pressing his flabby buttocks up against your face as he waddles past you. This is an ideal time to pray that he has not eaten any airport food.
To recline or not recline: That is the question. Some rude folks will slam back their seats, spilling ginger ale all over my new Mad Magazine. I prefer to slowly ease my seat back so the fella behind me will have time to grab his drink. There’s no need to tick him off even more after dumping my laundry on him earlier.
Lots of illiterate folks will pull out their fancy electronic devices to play games or watch movies during the flight. I don’t have a problem with this as long as they use earphones. And if it’s a good movie, I hope they won’t mind me looking over their shoulder.
After landing, check the storage compartment for anything that might’ve spilled from your luggage. When disembarking the plane, try to bonk the fewest heads possible with your bag.
I hope your flight is enjoyable and you have a happy Thanksgiving. And when giving thanks before the big feast, be thankful you didn’t sit behind that guy with the fishnet shirt and a Huggies box.
Clint Younts remembers the days when his wife thought he looked good in a neon fishnet tank top. Now, she just shakes her head and laughs.
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