For several years, I have used this column to spread my finite wisdom to all y’all faithful readers. I’m not saying that I am saturated with wisdom, but I have often been told that I am full of it. I believe knowledge is like cow manure. It’s worthless unless you spread it around, and I can spread it better than most folks. Over the years I have collected quite a bit of data and have it stored up in my cerebral safe. Retrieval is sometimes tricky and time consuming, but it’s up there.
Now, as a few of y’all might know and most of y’all might assume, I am a bit of a country bumpkin. Born and raised in Texas with a few years raisin’ hell in the hills of Tennessee, I would proudly accept the label of “smarter’n your average redneck,” but there is something lacking in my fermented gray matter. In all my years of clean country livin’, breathin’ fresh air and sippin’ cold beer beneath shade trees, I haven’t spent much time in big cities. I steer clear of Austin like a cottontail avoids a coyote, so I am out of my element when I’m in a big city.
Here’s my predicament, and feel free to send me any good advice. (You know what we rednecks compare bad advice to, right?) In a few weeks, I have to travel to Memphis for a fancy wedding. I have been to several weddings ’round these parts. Most of ’em have been outdoors or in rustic settings so I felt right at home. But this wedding in Memphis has got me a little worrisome that I won’t know how to behave in the big city. I have a few questions that perhaps y’all could answer for me.
This big city wedding is a black tie affair. Can I substitute a dark blue bandanna for a black neck tie or will this be frowned upon?
I plan to scrape most of the cow crap off my boots, but do I have to polish ‘em, too? And someone once told me my belt should match my boots, but they don’t make rope-colored Tony Lamas.
I don’t own a suit, but a friend of mine who works at the funeral parlor said he’ll keep an eye out for a 44 extra-long. What I need to know is what color of flannel shirt goes with a dark suit?
This wedding is gonna be on a Sunday. Do you reckon they’ll let me listen to the football game on my transistor radio during the vows if I keep the volume turned down?
I’m used to attending wedding receptions in barns and dance halls. Do you suppose they have indoor toilets at reception halls in big cities ‘cause I’m figuring there ain’t many big trees to step behind to relieve myself.
What kind of vittles do they serve at big city weddings? Being the uncle of the bride, I’d like to contribute some meat for the gala, but some city folks don’t have a hankerin’ for squirrel.
Do they sell Lone Star beer up in Memphis or do I need to take a case with me to the wedding? Do y’all think I can sip a cold one throughout the ceremony or should I wait until after the vows before crackin’ open my first beer?
I hear it’s customary to kiss the bride, but if she’s your niece, that seems kinda weird. I got no problem kissin’ cousins, but only my pretty ones.
Okay, I reckon these are the only questions I have for y’all. Feel free to email me with advice, but let me warn y’all that my computer acquired some virus after I told some rich Nigerian prince that he is full of crap. All my relatives live in the south.
Clint Younts will head to Memphis, but will not leave Texas behind. Some of his ‘fans’ prayed he would …
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