I was born in the summer of ’58, when Texas was still part of the Wild West. Ranches stretched from the Red River to the Rio Grande, and pasture land was commonplace. Texas was cattle country, and where there were cattle, there were cowboys. As a little toot growing up here, I loved everything about the Wild West. Long before Willie warbled the song, my heroes had always been cowboys.
Roy Rogers, Matt Dillon, the Lone Ranger and others captivated my attention as a youngster. With a pair of pearl-handle six-shooters strapped around my skinny waist, I fought it all alongside a couple loyal sidekicks for over a decade. As I aged into a teenager, I realized the frontier had been settled so I put away my guns.
A half-century has passed since I first strapped on a holster, and much of Texas ranchland has been paveds. Cities expanded, filled with folks from foreign lands like California and Ohio.The Lone Star State had become civilized. Our western culture was dying a slow death until Gov. Abbott and his cohorts passed the Open Carry Law and returned Texas to the Wild West.
If y’all are expecting some speech about gun control, you’ve got a long wait. I have a small arsenal myself. Living on one of the few remaining ranches here, there are still varmints that need a taste of lead. But I see no need to strap on a sidearm before heading on a beer run. I have yet to find a coyote stalking some lamb chops or seen a rattler trying to mate with a bratwurst.
I propose concerning this Open Carry Law that since we are returning to 19th Century Texas, we should dress the part. With gun permits being issued to every Tom, Dick and Bubba, I think if they’re going to strap on a holster, they should have the complete ensemble. Cowboy boots and jeans are a must. I don’t want to see a Colt .45 tucked in a leather holster that is strapped around some dude wearing sagging sweatpants and Jesus sandals. I never once saw John Wayne wearing sweatpants.
As a True Texan familiar with western attire, allow me to offer some fashion advice to all y’all pistol-packin’ pards. If y’all ain’t from ‘round here and dress like some Yankee Doodle dandy, you’re gonna get laughed at, and if your panties are in a wad ‘neath those golf shorts, there could a shootout in aisle 11. So let me give out some tips on how to dress like a gunslinger.
First, you must wear blue jeans, and I’m not talking about those silly skinny jeans. Wranglers or Levis are most appropriate, and you sure shouldn’t wear those fancy French jeans with embroidery on the pockets. Texans expect to see on the back pocket a ring from a can of Copenhagen. Some folks wear jeans that are sliced up like a block of rat cheese. Real cowboys will have jeans ripped by barbed wire and stained with bovine excrement.
As for boots, I prefer Tony Lamas or Justin Ropers mainly because they fit my big, flat feet right comfortably. Real cowboys don’t wear fancy footwear like Lucchese, partly because they are so dang expensive but also ‘cause we don’t know how to pronounce “Lucchese”. If you really want your boots to look authenic, drop by my ranch and I’ll let you step in a fresh cow turd.
As for shirts, pearl-snap western shirts are great, but we’ll accept plain T-shirts since it does get a bit warm here. If you don’t want to wear a cowboy hat, you need a gimme cap with either a tractor or beer logo printed on it. A sweat stain is a big plus, and if you desire this feature, drop by my ranch and I’ll let you cut mesquite brush. Better bring your gun, though, just in case you see a rattler.
Clint Younts has been known to try out his lead-spewer on varmints, including coyotes, armadillos and those nasty ‘possums that insist on dying under the house.
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