From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
By the time y’all read this here column, it’ll be 2012. As for 2011, all I can say is “See ya, and don’t let the door hit your sorry butt on the way out.” Yeah, 2011 wasn’t the greatest year for us with the economy taking a belly-flop into the cesspool. The terrible drought and those horrific fires will leave scars for many years to come. Yep, I’m kinda glad 2011 is over, and we can look forward to 2012, at least up to the point when those Mayans predicted we’ll all die. Oh, well. Can’t have it all.
Now, I suppose I need to make another New Year’s resolution, huh? I thought I’d make the same one I came up with last year to stop procrastinating, but I’ll wait and make that one for 2013. Normally on the day after New Year’s Eve, I pledge to stop drinking, but that only lasts until the first football game that afternoon. I always make a resolution to lose weight and get in better shape, but Maw usually makes that one for me by making meals without any visible sign of meat or fried taters. Since that resolution is actually hers, I can come up with one of my own.
As I was pondering out on the Crow’s Nest, munching on pork rinds and slurping Tecates, a brilliant notion for a New Year’s resolution ruminated in that dusty, cluttered vault of my mind where I store logic and reason. Unfortunately, it couldn’t find the path out of its messy abode, so a different notion took its place. I realized that for several years, I’ve been writing a mess of silly columns, some a bit humorous and a few bordering on the rim of complete gibberish. Since I was never fired or hauled off in a straitjacket, I guess folks enjoy reading this rubbish, but I think it’s time to become a serious writer. No more talk of Bigfoot, chupacabras or weirdos up in Austin. No more silly poems or Christmas albums. My New Year’s resolution is to become the best news reporter this side of Onion Creek, and there’s no better time to start than right now.
Since I’m on the subject of New Year’s resolutions, I started digging around (that’s what news reporters do, I’m told). I made some calls and checked with my sources. Now, I won’t reveal my sources, mainly because I can only find them myself after reaching the bottom of a Jack Daniel’s bottle. But I have learned stuff that most folks don’t know and, frankly, some off my findings are a bit unbelievable, but seriously, I can’t make this stuff up. So, with this new liquid confidence pulsing through my journalistic veins, I present to you fans of the Crow’s Nest, my first column as a serious newsman. I titled it “New Year’s Resolutions of the Rich and Famous”.
Charlie Sheen: “I pledge to never tell the boss he’s an idiot after drinking a Prozac margarita. And I will never claim to have Adonis DNA in the presence of a reporter.”
Kim Kardashian: “My New Year’s resolution for 2012 is to be married longer than a poodle’s pregnancy.”
The leader of the Occupy Wall Street movement: “In 2012, I suggest we occupy Miami Beach or Palm Springs ‘cause it’s colder than an Eskimo’s nose up in New York.”
Justin Bieber: “Aw, Mom, do I have to? Aw right then, I promise to start wearing a belt, and I pledge to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels.”
Herman Cain: “I resolve to stop making pizza deliveries to women with greedy lawyers on retainer.”
Rick Perry: “I have made three resolutions. First, I will start doing memory exercises. Second, I will stop speaking without thinking first. And third, umm, number three is, uh, what is number three?”
Lindsay Lohan: “I will never again drive while intoxicated. Now, if I can only remember where I left my car last night, I can go to Charlie Sheen’s party tonight.”
Osama bin Laden (This quote was Tweeted to me from Moammar Gadhafi): “I will never again say to a Navy Seal ‘Whatcha gonna do, shoot me?’ In addition, I will never believe that crap about all those beautiful virgins when you die. Have you seen the women down here?”
Lady Gaga: “I promise to stop wearing clothes made from meat, especially when attending the Westminster Dog Show.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I will stop saying ‘I wanna pump you up’ in mixed company.”
Mack Brown: “My New Year’s resolution is to spend more time coaching and less time promoting the Longhorn Network.”
Anthony Weiner and Brett Favre actually have the same New Year’s resolution: “I resolve to never send any pictures of me on Twitter.”
So, what do y’all think of my venture in being a serious writer? Pretty good, huh? Maybe not as good as Lois Lane or those Watergate fellas, but, hey, I’m new at this. Give me time, and I’ll have the Wurlitzer Prize tacked to my wall next to my other awards and a restraining order from Sandra Bullock. I’m sorry if y’all liked the old stuff I used to write, but over time, I’m sure you will appreciate and respect me for switching horses.
I wish you all a happy new year, and I’ll see you in the funny papers.
Clint Younts takes his writing seriously. Really. Quit laughing.
