From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
I know I swore off writing about politics a while back, just like I swore off writing about French cuisine. I don’t know diddly about either subject and just hearing about them makes me nauseous. In the past, I wrote about politics and gave my ignorant opinions of certain candidates, and you wouldn’t believe the angry email I received. I can’t believe there are folks out there who actually believe I know what I’m writing about. Heck, I just sit out on the deck drinking free Tecates, and stupid stuff sprouts in my moldy cranium. Once my vision clears and Maw stops playing Farmville, I get on the computer and write crapola that gets printed in the newspaper. Man, I love America!
Since I don’t get much email these days except from strangers wanting to hook me up with some hot ladies or some Nigerian lawyer who claims I won millions in a foreign lottery, I figured I’d get right popular if I gave my opinion of these clowns running for president. I won’t talk bad about our current president, just in case those things I read in Tom Clancy’s book is true. No, I think I’ll focus on the others who are trying to get their party’s nomination. They probably don’t have access to supercomputers that scan emails and newspaper columns.
Unfortunately, the candidate I once liked shot himself in his Justin boots by forgetting stuff like how to count to three and how to think before speaking. Now he’s back home running Occupy Austin idiots off his front lawn, so I need to find some other candidate to support. Why? I don’t know. It’s what Americans do. Heck, I was even supporting the New York Giants in the Super Bowl just because society insists that we pick one contestant in the big games, whether its football or the presidential race. And who am I to go against the grain?
So, with Rick out of the running, who do I pick? Mitt? Naw, he’s way too rich and I just don’t trust rich folks. Mitt has more money than Oprah, and that makes me think he’s buying the nomination.He might be a good guy and might even become a decent president, I know about as much about Mitt’s political views as I know about cooking snails. I do know my stomach has suddenly turned sour.
OK, let’s switch to Newt. What do I know about this guy? Let’s see, he can’t be trusted around pretty women, so let’s keep him out of Texas. And, oh, he wants to build a colony on the moon. Say what? Newt promises to have a lunar colony built if he gets elected president. I thought the guy was joking until I saw his construction plans. The first thing he wants to build on the moon is a Motel 6. I guess he’s met a cute astronaut that he wants to hide from the missus.
Is he really serious? I think so. I obtained a classified ad that he plans to run in all the papers once he gets elected. It reads: “NEEDED: Construction workers for large gated community. Experience needed and being able to hold your breath for 8 hours is a big plus. Call 1-888-555-NEWT.”
Why the moon? If he wants to build a private community in a desolate place with no water or intelligent life, I’m sure there’s land for sale in Oklahoma. There’s a big desert out west that could house a few folks who dislike yard work and shade. There’s no need to fly to the moon. Plus, according to my sources, there’s no oxygen up in space. I’m no rocket scientist, but I kinda think you need that stuff to breathe, not to mention smoking a brisket.
OK, let’s scratch Newt off my list. Who else is there? Rick Santorum? His last name alone sends chills down my spine. Santorum reminds me of that little court-ordered “therapeutic vacation” I took a few years back. Write a few columns about chupacabras and Bigfoot and people start worrying about your mental status. What’s up with that? Nope, can’t support that guy neither. Nor that perky Alaskan gal who plays on 30 Rock. How about Ron Paul? I don’t know much about him other than he looks like a goober, and I don’t think he’ll look good on the currency that will be used in Newt’s lunar colony. So, who else is there?
Aw, yeah, here we go. I just heard that Roseanne Barr is tossing her hat in the ring. She’s trying to become the Green Party presidential candidate. I read a little about her political views, and her main platform is to legalize marijuana. Well, that will get her a bunch of followers, but don’t expect them to understand how to use those complicated ballot machines. Maybe they can just jot down her name on some Zig Zag paper instead. I do believe her macadamia farm has produced the biggest nut to the 2012 presidential race.
Dang, I don’t know what I’ll say when folks ask me whom I’ve voting for. Maybe Mitt will donate all his millions to help fund struggling newspaper columnists, or perhaps Newt will step up to the podium and say, “Aw, I was just pullin’ your leg. A colony on the moon? Gotcha!” I don’t know who I’ll vote for in November, but I can promise you one thing for sure; I just don’t understand politics and I’ll never eat Escargot Beignet.
Clint Younts is known locally for his humor – and his fly swatting abilities. Quit laughing.
