From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
I just acquired two more excellent reasons for not travelling north of the Hays County line. In the past, I only went into Austin for absolute necessities like cheap whiskey, lumber and ammunition, but thanks to the commercial boom here in Hays County, I can do most of my shopping within 10 miles of the Crow’s Nest. Now if we can only get a pool supply store down here so I can buy chemicals to keep raccoons and skunks from drinking from our pool, I’d never go north into the Land of Weird.
I just heard that Austin is tied with New York City as the 3rd worst city in America when it comes to traffic. L.A. and Washington D.C. are #1 and #2, but I don’t plan to ever go to either of those cities to buy chlorine or Old Crow. The main reason I don’t drive into Austin, besides the abundance of wack-jobs on every street corner, is the awful traffic and the stupid drivers constituting the awful traffic. Sure, we have our share of bad drivers here in Hays County, folks who believe they can talk or text on a cellphone and safely operate a vehicle at the same time, but they aren’t all crammed together on a 3-lane highway jacked up on Red Bull or Starbuck’s triple latte.
The other thing I recently heard about Austin that will keep me out of any retail establishment north of Onion Creek is the recent ban of plastic bags at stores. Some stores aren’t even using paper sacks to bag stuff passing through their checkout lanes. Austinites are supposed to bring their own bags to carry home their purchases, or they can just carry them out unbagged. To me, this retail practice is downright stupid and violates my constitutional right to bear private consumables.
Allow me to offer some examples of what problems this Bag Ban may generate. Let’s say that I need to purchase some goods at Walgreens. Now, we men don’t go to Walgreens for the same reasons women do. Ladies may go and browse for birthday cards, buy some lipstick that matches the color of their recently pedicured toes, and grab the latest issue of People magazine. Us menfolk, we go to drug stores for drugs, and we don’t want other folks to know that we have acquired certain maladies. Guys grab the medication from the pharmacist or swiftly snatch a bottle of fungicide off the shelf and head to the checkout before anyone sees them. And then we want our medication stuffed quickly into a sack.
So, here I am, hypothetically, at Walgreens, purchasing a big tube of hemorrhoid cream, and the clerk informs me that Austin is a bag-free town. So I have to walk stealthly out of the store, holding my butt salve, and I meet Sandra Bullock at the door. My fantasy has finally come true. Sandy, recently divorced by the way, gazes into my baby blue eyes, instantly falling into love. She smiles at me, starts to ask me to run off to Bermuda with her, but then sees the Extra-Strength Preparation-H in my clutched hand. A quick, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she heads off to the perfume aisle while I trudge out to my truck and plop broken-heartedly onto my donut cushion. Thank you very much, Austin City Council!!
Here’s another scenario: I go into Twin Liquors to get a refill of my rheumatism medication. To keep the neighbors and passing clergymen from thinking I’m some pitiful, lost soul who has turned to the bottle for salvation, I ask the spiritualist behind the counter to double-bag my prescription. But instead, I hear, “Due to recent legislation, we no longer stock shopping bags.” So, there I am with a fifth of arthritis medication in one hand and a pint of snake bite cure in the other, walking out the store when I see a cluster of nuns walking toward me from the east and a band of Bible-thumping Baptists coming from the west. They converge upon me as I’m placing my new elixirs on the car seat beside my butt cream, and the next thing you know I’m singing in the church choir. Again, thank you, Austin City Council, for making me miss the first half of the Cowboys game! And if I die from a snake bite, Maw is suing the city of Austin.
As for carrying in our own bags for toting our purchases, that’s ridiculous! First of all, we are supposed to purchase a mess of reusable shopping bags. What a scam! And then we have to remember to take them into the store every time we go shopping. Heck, I’m lucky to remember to put on my pants when I leave the house, and now I have to remember to grab my shopping bag? Luckily I have a stack of empty feed sacks in the back of my truck, so I suppose I can tote one of those down the aisle at HEB. I reckon one sack will hold a dozen cans of Beanie-Wienies and a 6-pack of Lone Star.
I guess I can take an empty sack of Old Roy dog food with me the next time I go to Walgreens. That way I can hide my head lice shampoo and toenail fungus spray just in case I bump into Sandra Bullock. And if she sees my reusable grocery sack, she may think I’m eco-friendly. Plus, I hear she loves dogs. Maybe this bag ban isn’t such a bad idea after all.
Clint Younts hopes his wife doesn’t read this column, with his outrageous fantasies about running into Sandra Bullock. He might have a better chance of meeting her at the vet clinic where he works when he’s not in the Crow’s Nest.
