From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Finally, after six long, painful months of absolutely nothing, the drought is over. We have been waiting for months for relief from these blistering dog days of summer, and on Thursday, August 11, the drought was broken. At last, I was able to pop open a cold beer, plop my sweaty backside on the couch and watch football. After six months of seeing angry rich housewives and ill-tempered chefs slug it out on Bravo, and realtors trying to sell fancy homes to indecisive rich folks on some other useless network that gets sucked in through my satellite dish, I was thrilled to see that the NFL was back on my TV.
OK, so it was an exhibition game, but even that is better than seeing some show about hoarders or wee little people. If it hadn’t been for Shark Week, I think I would’ve gone insane. An exhibition game may seem like nothing to some folks, but to me, it’s like smelling a plump turkey cooking in the oven, knowing that Thanksgiving dinner is about to commence.
As I was watching unfamiliar players wearing Dallas Cowboy uniforms, I was salivating like a rabid dog staring down a mailman. Last Thursday night was like Christmas Eve. Visions of Tony Romo tossing touchdown passes to Dez Bryant danced in my head. Am I ready for some football? Heck yeah! Aren’t you? If not, then I reckon there’s something very wrong with your genetic code, or perhaps you aren’t from around here. As all Texans know, there’re only three seasons in a year: spring, summer and football.
Now that football season is within sniffing distance, there’s a horde of fellas gearing up for Fantasy Football. For you newly arrived folks from across the pond who think football is played with a round ball, Fantasy Football is a contest between guys (mostly) who create a league, draft their favorite players in the NFL and then collect points for certain achievements by their players each Sunday. Personally, I no longer participate in these fantasy leagues since I found myself rooting for guys on teams that I despise. Plus, I was really lousy at picking good players.
As I was pondering one evening out on the Crow’s Nest, sweating under the bright stars, with thirsty mosquitoes asking for a sip of my beer, I came up with my own Fantasy Football League. The concept is the same as all those other leagues out there with one exception. Instead of receiving points for stuff your draft choices achieve on the gridiron, you get points for things they do off the field, in their not-so-private lives. No points for touchdowns or sacking Tom Brady. No rewards for kicking field goals or intercepting Peyton Manning, but for being stupid in the off-season.
Here are some examples of how you’d score points in Fantasy Football a la Crow:
If your player tests positive for a banned substance, you receive five points.
If your player gets married during the off-season, that’s five pts. It’s worth 10 points if he gets married on the Saturday before his team’s playoff game. If he marries a Kardashian, you’d get an extra point.
If your player gets tossed off an airplane for displaying his dirty drawers, it’s worth 10 points.
Making an appearance on a sitcom: 10 points. If he gets murdered on CSI, it’s 15 points.
Five points to the player with the best tattoo. If the player asked Jim Tressel where to get the tattoo, then you’d be awarded an extra point.
Twittering negative comments about other players or coaches is good for five points.
Getting arresting for entering a night club with a pistol is worth 15 points. If your player shoots himself in the leg while showing off his pistol in a night club, that’s a whopping 25 points.
If your player gets pulled over for DUI, it’s five points. If it happens in the middle of Lake Travis, then you’d receive an additional two points.
If some female reporter receives an explicit picture of your drafted quarterback, or what I like to call “junk mail”, then you’d get 15 points.
Getting arrested gambling at a dog fight is worth five points. If the dog fight was in his own backyard, then you’ll be rewarded with an extra point.
If your selected running back gets his Heisman Trophy taken away, that’d be 10 points.
If your player legally changes his name, it’d be worth five points.
OK, let’s start our draft, shall we? For quarterback, I select the photogenic Brett Favre. At running back, I take Reggie Bush since I suspect Cedric may have some ligament damage from a cop’s night stick. And for my wide receiver, I want Plaxico! He may not score many touchdowns this season due to his lingering bout with lead poisoning, but I suspect he will make the headlines a couple of times during the season.
Oh, the best thing about my Fantasy Football League is that we can play it year-round, for all three seasons. And during football season, we won’t have to worry about trades and substitutions, who’s injured and who’s in a slump. As long as we have cold beer and our wives pay the cable bill, we’ll be as happy as blue-tick hound chomping on a beef rib under the porch. Now if it would only rain, we’d all have a very, merry football season.
