From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Normally I’m a mild-mannered, easy-going sort, but, dang it, I am plumb angry at something I just read in the Austin paper. It was an article in Saturday’s Metro section that I was looking at in the parking lot of Walgreen’s while Maw was inside buying me some bunion pads. I wasn’t wearing my reading glasses so I was just looking at headlines when I came across this: “Kyle City Council Bans Saliva”. Well, that just set me off. I was madder than a queen bee with PMS. How can our local government ban saliva? It’s a natural substance that I think we all need so we can swallow dry biscuits without the help of a cold beer. What is going on here?
What’s wrong with saliva as long as you keep it contained in your mouth? I can understand outlawing spitting, but making it illegal to possess saliva is just ridiculous. How can I drive past Railroad BBQ without slobbering like a rabid hound? Just thinking about the carne guisada at Piscis has me drooling like a ninety-year-old man reading a National Geographic. If possession of saliva is a crime, well cuff me and haul my chapped hide to the hoosegow. I confess! I’m a frothing felon every time I smell brisket simmering on a pit. I believe I committed a capital crime the last time I drove through Lockhart, but I don’t know if saliva has been banned in that town. Yep, I’m upset alright. I’d be spittin’ mad, but apparently that’s illegal in Kyle, Texas.
A few weeks ago I heard that one of those countries in Africa, I believe it’s Malawi, just passed a law prohibiting flatulence in public. Oh, give me and my sphincter a break! I was planning to go to Africa on one of those safaris. Maw is tired of looking at the mounted possum head we have hanging over the mantle, and she said she’d like a stuffed warthog instead. Since warthogs live in Africa and I thought a stuffed warthog head would make a terrific Valentine’s gift, I was all set on flying over to Africa and bagging me a hog. Now I hear I may get arrested if I pop a poot while walking down the street in Malawi. I’m 52 years old, and my muscles aren’t as taut as they once were. I’m not risking 90 days in a foreign jail for a smelly warthog. What a stupid law!
I always thought those kinds of laws were only in Third World countries until I saw that headline in the Statesman. I wish I had my glasses so I could’ve read the rest of the article, but I got so perturbed that I tossed the paper in the back seat and waited for Maw to get through shopping. She noticed I was upset, but she figured it was due to my bunions, I reckon. So as soon as we got home, I went straight to the Crow’s Nest to write a column about this absurd ban of saliva, needing to vent (Luckily I wasn’t in Malawi). I even grabbed the paper from my truck so I can read the rest of the story and pass on more pertinent information to my readers.
Ok, I’ve got my reading glasses on and it says here in the paper that, uh….Oops! Heh, heh, my bad. It appears that I, uh, sorta misread the headline. Apparently, the Kyle City Council isn’t banning saliva at all. They are banning the sale of salvia, the hallucinogenic wildflower that I have growing out in my pastures and flowerbeds. It’s not illegal to salivate in the Kyle city limits after all. Phwew, that’s a relief! I’d hate to lose my right to vote due to a felony arrest of hyper-salivation. As Gilda Radner used to say on Saturday Night Live, “Never mind”.
Clint Younts has been a football fan since he was a wee child. Now he works at a veterinary clinic while running cattle on his property.
