From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Christmas is only a few days away. Kids are on their best behavior, knowing Santa has a list and is checking it twice. Women are busy wrapping gifts they bought back in November while their husbands are desperately trying to find something for their wives without stepping into a jewelry store. There is a seasonal chill in the morning air, finally, and everywhere you go, you hear Christmas carols. I like a few Christmas songs, like Feliz Navidad and some performed by George Strait, but there are several that I find downright irritating, like the Muppets version of The Twelve Days of Christmas or that silly hippopotamus jingle.
Every year, it seems, some popular singer comes out with a Christmas album, but it’s still the same tunes with a different voice. I bet every country artist living in a Nashville mansion has recorded Silent Night. I wish someone would come up with a new Christmas carol, don’t you?
Well, you are in luck. As my Christmas gift to all of you faithful readers out there, I have composed a lovely, sentimental carol that I’m sure you will all enjoy. I know what you are thinking: “Clint’s not only a brilliant writer of poetry and prose, but he’s also a talented songwriter?” You are correct, sir. The only thing that keeps me from moving to Nashville is all the good barbecue and Mexican food down here in Texas. Folks in Nashville don’t know the difference between a chimichanga and a chupacabra, so I’ll just stay where I’m at and write songs for y’all.
You may wonder if I am qualified to compose music. I’ll have you know that as a young man, I was a back-up singer for José Cuervo and the Triple Secs. You may recall our big hit, You Leavin’ Me Hurts Worse than Gout, or our Christmas tune, I Saw Maw Kissing Santa Claus. Shoot, if José hadn’t destroyed his vocal chords by drinking some Kentucky moonshine, we’d probably still be playing at county fairs and saloons in Nogales.
So, I have written an up-dated version of a popular Christmas carol. Since I’m tone deaf after my accident with Maw’s frying pan one New Year’s Eve a few years ago, I had to borrow the melody from Jingle Bells, but the lyrics are all mine. I hope you enjoy this gift of song.
Dashing thru the airport,
With my solitary suitcase,
I’m so excited to depart,
Laughing all the way.
But first I had to be searched,
Prodded and x-rayed,
By a man resembling Lurch,
Oh, I’m a tiny bit afraid.
Oh, pat me down, pat me down,
Pat me all the way.
Oh, what fun this sure ain’t;
I hope I made your day.
Pat me down, pat me down,
Pat me all the way.
Oh, what utter nonsense,
We have here at ABIA.
A day or two ago,
I thought I’d take a flight,
To go visit my family,
On this Christmas Eve night.
I was expecting the regular scans,
Not a frisking with ice cold hands,
The pat down was thorough and rough,
I expected to hear:
“Turn your head and cough”.
Oh, pat me down, pat me down,
Pat me all the way.
Oh, what fun this sure ain’t;
I hope I made your day.
Pat me down, pat me down,
Pat me all the way
Oh, what utter nonsense,
We have here at ABIA.
Pat me down, pat me down,
Pat me while I think,
The least you should’ve done
Is first buy me a drink.
Pat me down, pat me down,
But don’t be brash
Oh, I sincerely hope you catch my rash.
