By Clint Younts

Although Hays County sits just below Travis with the city of the weird in its epicenter, the two Texas counties are vastly different. Oh sure, we have our share of wackadoodles down here in Hays County, but in Austin, they’re as abundant as buzzards on a squished armadillo. Those demented denizens to the north will hold a festival to celebrate just about anything. Back in June, they held the 7th Annual Zilker Park Bug Festival. Down in Hays County, we have bug festivals every time we decide to grill some steaks after sunset. The main difference in the two events is we slap and spray to kill to pesky critters, while up north, those odd birds are eating the bugs. Gag a maggot!

OK, you’re thinking that it’s just an annual event where a mess of wacky-tobacky smokin’ yuppies gather for a day of fun in the sun and cockroach consumption, return home and regurgitate creepy crawlers all night, and then it’s back to eating normal food like tofu and bean sprouts. But no! You can venture up to the Land of the Weird and purchase such tasty treats like tacos, muffins and cookies made with, of all things, crickets. What the heck is going on up there? Is there a shortage of blueberries and chocolate chips?

Hey, I have accidently ingested a bug or two in my time, usually when talking while riding upon a fast-moving vehicle like a bass boat or cutting horse. I don’t know how those chefs up in Austin prepare those critters, but a plump June bug tastes downright awful. I’ve never eaten a cricket, but I imagine it tastes something like a south Texas horse fly which incidentally has a flavor quite similar to a north Texas horse fly. 

I wonder why Austinites have suddenly developed a craving for crickets.  I know there is a huge supply of them every fall, often during a Friday night football game, but do the fans gather these pests to take home and mix with their pancake batter the next morning? I’m pretty sure some fans at Bob Shelton Stadium have tasted crickets, but I doubt you’d find breakfast tacos loaded with chorizo, egg and cricket being consumed on Saturday morning.

I can visualize some fella up north, stomach growling and drool seeping from the corner of his mouth, honing in on that irritating chirping in his house. South of the county line you’ll see Bubba pulling on his pointy-toe cowboy boots and grabbing his Mag Lite. In Travis County, dead crickets are gently washed and dried, then ground into a fine powder for baking. Here in Hays County, dead crickets are scraped off soles of Red Wing boots with a Buck knife.

The bug munchers up north of Onion Creek claim crickets are high in protein and are also rich in iron and B-vitamins. Well, that’s fine and dandy if you’re a large-mouth bass, but I stand at 6’5” and tip the scales at 215. How many bugs will I have to eat to supply me with enough energy to dig a dozen post holes? I suppose if I were to spend the afternoon sipping a latte in some internet café listening to a beret-wearing chap reciting poetry, I guess a cricket polenta would be divine. 

Folks often ask me if I ever go to restaurants in Austin. I tell ’em I like the vittles served down here in Hays County where the only insects you’ll find in your food is a fly that snuck in while some fat dude took 5 minutes to waddle through the doorway. No sir, I won’t spend good money on a burrito that has stuff in it that county health inspectors routinely look for in kitchens. 

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